Disillusionment Karl Holmqvist

Against expectations, it’s happy-sad. It’s encouraging somehow to expect something a certain way and then be disillusioned. It would be worse to just be indifferent. Expecting the worst; simply expecting nothing. Refugees in a camp. Orphans without families. Street children inhabiting a sewer system. Sewer entrances screwed down to prevent orphaned children access. Police murdering orphans with shotguns in favelas. No more humanity. No more need to solve life’s mysteries. No need to love. No need for humanity. Disillusionment. Atheism, no inner monologue. No prayer, no hope.

The blackest of black is part of all of humanity’s spectrum. No existence will be brighter than the darkest, blackest of blacks. Satanic priest. Child molester. To give in to temptation. The greatest temptation. To give in to sin. To give up on oneself is just that. It’s worse for the one who happens upon your path. To revive someone. Through an act of terrorism. To revive someone through an act of terrorism. To have been cut off completely from one’s emotions. From one’s humanity. To feel less than a machine. Less than a stone. Even inanimate objects can have feelings, provoke emotions. The unfeeling mask of disillusionment. To have shut oneself off. Made inanimate what could have been different. What could have come alive again.

Terrorist nonemotions, torturers. What’s done behind a mask. Wearing a mask. With a need to hide oneself. To close oneself off. Rape. Sex without love. Prostitutes not dreaming of ever meeting the right one. Filmmakers not out for an Oscar. Actresses and actors performing a role. Cowboys and Indians. Stereotyping. The Chinese. Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Money-hungry women. Slightly daft. The Asian neighbor, kind and submissive. The greatest city in the greatest nation. The awe of all others. Wanting to belong, to get there before all others. To be let in at parties. To see it all. Have it all. Pick up any person in big cities.

To not have holdups. Getups, inhibitions. To be wanted. By everyone, to be wanted by all. That type of attraction. John Lennon, Yoko Ono. To break up the Beatles. Go for a break. Take time out. Drown in the pool. Michael Jackson. Henry Kissinger. To never come back. No second chance. No first chance either. Born with a deadly virus. No chance in life. To have a life. One’s full potential. To break out. To come out. Rock Hudson. Alison Moyet. A movie star. A pop singer. Freddie Mercury. Give and take. A false name. Liberace. Hidden identity. Undercover, secret agent.

On a mission. Mission impossible. Suspension. Tom Cruise. Cliffhanger. To hang from a helicopter. Stunt man. In real life. Action hero. Blowing up cars and airplanes. Hand grenades. Cruise missile. Shooting down planes. Material destruction. Destroying lives. Taking lives. Murdering for money. A contract killer. A spy. Giving out classified information. For money.

Deciding that one life is worth less than another. Taking that decision. Defending that decision to one’s family. To one’s country. To God. Abortion opponents. Pro-lifers. Burkhas. No to women’s vote. No to immigrants. Colonialism. No to exploitation. Ban the ban. Stop all. Black bloc. Anarchists. Graffiti as vandalism. As scandal. Means to destroy. Destruction as expression. As expression of self. Self-destruction as vocation. As the meaning of life. Non-meaning of existence. No to all. Black hole.